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re: How do people cope with separation or divorce?
Posted on 5/6/23 at 12:33 am to Xenophon
Posted on 5/6/23 at 12:33 am to Xenophon
quote:
Are you struggling because you didn’t want the divorce? Or because the divorce is difficult?
We have had big issues for years and she decided to end it. There is no cheating or abuse. Over the years we just became toxic to each other. Couldn’t get along. I am to blame for a lot of it. She suggested marriage counseling a couple of times and my stupid stubborn arse said no, and we could handle it ourselves. Obviously now it’s a huge regret. She isn’t being a bitch to me or anything but I hate it cause I just want to hate her but I can’t you know. We have 3 daughters and that’s the worst part for me know is knowing we have to tell them eventually. We agreed to wait til we are officially separated.
11
Posted on 5/6/23 at 1:05 am to ArmyHogs
quote:
We agreed to wait til we are officially separated.
This tells me that things can still be salvaged if both of you are up to it.
Posted on 5/6/23 at 1:08 am to ArmyHogs
quote:
She suggested marriage counseling a couple of times and my stupid stubborn arse said no, and we could handle it ourselves. Obviously now it’s a huge regret.
Going to therapy now would help you not regret not going again in the future.
Posted on 5/6/23 at 1:09 am to ArmyHogs
quote:
There is no cheating or abuse.
Then there does not need to be a divorce.
Posted on 5/6/23 at 6:26 am to ArmyHogs
It sounds like you guys are not officially separated yet. Why not revisit the marriage counseling? Hell do therapy too. Is there really not time to salvage this?
You have three kids think of them.
You have three kids think of them.
Posted on 5/6/23 at 6:37 am to ArmyHogs
quote:
We have had big issues for years and she decided to end it. There is no cheating or abuse. Over the years we just became toxic to each other. Couldn’t get along. I am to blame for a lot of it. She suggested marriage counseling a couple of times and my stupid stubborn arse said no, and we could handle it ourselves. Obviously now it’s a huge regret. She isn’t being a bitch to me or anything but I hate it cause I just want to hate her but I can’t you know. We have 3 daughters and that’s the worst part for me know is knowing we have to tell them eventually. We agreed to wait til we are officially separated.
As a therapist who has worked with couples, you still may have a shot. Ask her to go to couples counseling with you. Tell her you fricked up and you want to give it one last shot. Be humble here. Not saying she isn’t at fault as well (it takes two) but you may still be able to salvage things.
Also get an individual therapist for yourself. Work your own shite out. Even if you don’t work things out with her this can make you a better partner in your next relationship.
Google Psychology Today and you should be able to find both for your area.
This post was edited on 5/6/23 at 6:38 am
Posted on 5/6/23 at 6:41 am to ArmyHogs
quote:
She suggested marriage counseling a couple of times and my stupid stubborn arse said no, and we could handle it ourselves. Obviously now it’s a huge regret. S
I can say this without knowing everything about your story. You weren't ready to go to counseling. Could have been pride. Ego. Avoidance. Whatever it was, if you would have gone just to appease her, you would not have "heard" anything. Now, it appears that you are "ready" to listen and understand. This is a good thing.
If your wife won't go with you to counseling, find a counselor for yourself. Over time, she may change her mind --- just like you have. A lot of times it's our stupid pride and ego that gets in the way. One person is ready. The other person isn't. The other person now becomes ready, and as payback, the other person now won't go. It's stupid. It's silly. But it's real. I'm hurt, so you're going to hurt. Blah. Blah.
She may have reached a point where she is not willing to listen or return. It's possible. Who knows. But you still have to work on yourself first and foremost, to become the best version of yourself.
quote:
She isn’t being a bitch to me or anything but I hate it cause I just want to hate her but I can’t you know. We have 3 daughters and that’s the worst part for me know is knowing we have to tell them eventually. We agreed to wait til we are officially separated.
Even if you are hurt, it's best to never say anything negative, hurtful, or anything that can be viewed as pressure or pushing. Hurt people hurt people, so don't do that. If you have something that you want to get off your chest, journal or talk with a counselor. Leave your friends and family out of it --- they are biased (they are naturally on your side), and won't always tell you the things they see that you need to work on. A good counselor, a journal, and lots of self-reflection can.
Lastly, you will always have 3 kids together. She chose you for a reason. You chose her for a reason. Unless one of you remarries or dies, you should always have "hope" that you can restore your marriage, if that is what both of you eventually agree to.
This post was edited on 5/6/23 at 6:43 am
Posted on 5/6/23 at 6:47 am to ArmyHogs
quote:
I am to blame for a lot of it.
My experience and in my reading/understanding of relationships is that it usually is the guy’s fault if 1) there’s no cheating/abuse/self harm or 2) she hasn’t let herself go to the point of being physically unattractive. Has she given you any kind of “I love you but I’m not in love with you” speech yet?
All the advice people will give you (and your Jordan Peterson clips) are applicable for both after divorce AND during marriage.
You’ll probably start to take care of your body through diet and exercise; get your own place that is well kempt and decorated; improve your attire; become more social with friends and hobbies; flirt with other women through purposeful, assertive interactions; develop a personal set of goals (like a five year plan); live life without regard to anyone else’s opinions on how you should live. You know, the bachelor kind of life.
Where do you think your marriage would be in a year if you became that guy now instead of waiting for divorce to be the spark?
Many times, guys envision that kind of life as being only possible after marriage. That it’s the marriage or the wife’s fault for holding you back. That you can’t be happy or get the things you want out of life because of her. When in reality, it’s because of you.
I don’t know your situation or what all is going on in your marriage. Your marriage might be done.
But either way, I encourage you to write out everything wrong in your life and in your marriage. List out what you want in life, what would make you happy, and what’s holding you back.
I’ll fast forward to the next step: once you do that, look to see how many statements are “I” statements vs how many are “she” statements. If they’re not ALL “I” statements, then your divorce will only temporarily mask your problems until they reappear later. Either when the bachelor life gets old, or the bachelor life doesn’t turn out the be what you expected, or your next relationship turns out like your current marriage.
You are in charge of your own happiness and building the life you want to live. Once you figure that out, women LOVE guys like that. They love to follow a man’s lead if he has his shite together.
Get your shite together, man. You owe it to yourself, your daughters, and whatever woman you end up with.
This post was edited on 5/6/23 at 6:53 am
Posted on 5/6/23 at 7:40 am to ArmyHogs
quote:
We agreed to wait til we are officially separated.
You have a chance baw. Forget the past and take baby steps showing your care for her.
If anything, do it for the children. If they are young, their wounds from this divorce will be forever.
Posted on 5/6/23 at 3:58 pm to ArmyHogs
quote:
but I hate it cause I just want to hate her but I can’t
It sounds like you still love her. If this is the case, you have to put words into action. Here's my advice. Seek out a couple's counselor now. Go on your own if she isn't willing. Just changing you will change the dynamic of your relationship. Perhaps she will see your intent and follow suit. Bring as much humility to the sessions as possible. Let down your defenses. Sometimes it is hard to see how other people perceive our actions and our attitudes and can be hard to hear at first. You can either get better together as a couple or you can get better as an individual starting over. There is not a downside. One note of caution: avoid a counselor that takes sides. Even if its your side. If one partner feels like they are getting dumped on all the time, they will stop going. Be prepared to give your spouse some 'wins' even if you don't agree.
It isn't easy, but I've just been through a huge reset this past year with my husband. I didn't even realize how much resentment I was carrying around for past grievances. I was collecting resentments like they were toy cars. He just seemed angry at me all the time. Once I better understood how he was perceiving me I better understood his attitude. We did have work through those past grievances. And we both had to sit and listen to things that were hard to hear. But just the fact that we are listening to each other without being defensive, has completely turned the world around for us. Counseling Is not some hippy dippy bullshite. With the right counselor that you both trust, it can save a family.
This post was edited on 5/6/23 at 4:04 pm
Posted on 5/8/23 at 4:02 pm to ArmyHogs
quote:
We have had big issues for years and she decided to end it. There is no cheating or abuse. Over the years we just became toxic to each other. Couldn’t get along. I am to blame for a lot of it. She suggested marriage counseling a couple of times and my stupid stubborn arse said no, and we could handle it ourselves. Obviously now it’s a huge regret. She isn’t being a bitch to me or anything but I hate it cause I just want to hate her but I can’t you know. We have 3 daughters and that’s the worst part for me know is knowing we have to tell them eventually. We agreed to wait til we are officially separated.
Look at what you posted here. (I am to blame for a lot of it. She suggested marriage counseling but I said no.
She isn't being a bitch to me.)
She is an adult and you are a child. You don't deserve her or the children. You have put your whole family at risk waiting for her to cave again and it didn't happen.
She finally had enough. Your wife and children deserved a man to step up and at least try to salvage the marriage and family but you put yourself first. Congratulations.
Sorry to be so direct but you need a wake up call.
This post was edited on 5/8/23 at 4:08 pm
Posted on 5/31/23 at 11:20 am to ArmyHogs
quote:
She suggested marriage counseling a couple of times and my stupid stubborn arse said no, and we could handle it ourselves. Obviously now it’s a huge regret.
Go to marriage counseling anyway….even if by yourself. You will learn from it so you can grow into the better version of yourself. Then you’ll be more ready for any future relationships.
You don’t want to repeat the same mistakes next time. And if you don’t find out what they were and change them, you will repeat them and find yourself back in this same spot in five years.
This post was edited on 5/31/23 at 11:32 am
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