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re: Give me all of your stupid jokes
Posted on 1/22/19 at 6:42 pm to X123F45
Posted on 1/22/19 at 6:42 pm to X123F45
Three T-rexes encounter a genie, who grants one wish to each.
T-rex 1 says "I want a big piece of meat". An enormous slab lands on the ground in front of him.
T-rex 2 wants to be showered with meat, so he gets rained on by hunks of meat.
T-rex 3 has to one-up this and says "I want a MEATIER shower!"
T-rex 1 says "I want a big piece of meat". An enormous slab lands on the ground in front of him.
T-rex 2 wants to be showered with meat, so he gets rained on by hunks of meat.
T-rex 3 has to one-up this and says "I want a MEATIER shower!"
This post was edited on 1/23/19 at 8:06 pm
0
Posted on 1/22/19 at 6:44 pm to X123F45
When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar
When it’s ajar
Posted on 1/22/19 at 6:55 pm to X123F45
Guy gets stranded on a remote island with a pig and dog.
After a year of crushing loneliness he begins to have feelings for the pig, but every time he makes a move the dog starts barking and tries to bite him.
This goes on for months, then one day another ship sinks offshore with her sole survivor being a lovely young woman that washes up on the island.
After some time the man & woman become closer until one night she says to him “You must be dying for some intimacy after all this time, is there anything you’d like me to do for you?”
To which he replied “Oh thank God yes! Can you hold that dog for a few minutes?”
After a year of crushing loneliness he begins to have feelings for the pig, but every time he makes a move the dog starts barking and tries to bite him.
This goes on for months, then one day another ship sinks offshore with her sole survivor being a lovely young woman that washes up on the island.
After some time the man & woman become closer until one night she says to him “You must be dying for some intimacy after all this time, is there anything you’d like me to do for you?”
To which he replied “Oh thank God yes! Can you hold that dog for a few minutes?”
This post was edited on 1/22/19 at 8:13 pm
Posted on 1/22/19 at 7:33 pm to X123F45
A man is on a cruise ship and disaster strikes. The ship sinks and he manages to swim to an island nearby. He sets up shop awaiting rescue.
Before long he finds a woman. Not just any woman, it's (insert your favorite famous beauty queen here - Angelina Jolie will do here). For real. She barely made it but it looks like it's just the two of them for awhile.
The man immediately gets to work building shelter, hunting and fishing, doing whatever it takes to survive. At first she gives him the cold shoulder since he's a peon and she's a famous celebrity. But as the months go by and it's still just the two of them, one stormy night when they're both cowering in a cozy but sturdy shelter they fall for each other anyway.
Six months go by, and they've been doing the deed nearly every day.
Then the day finally comes. She notices something is wrong and asks him about it. He says "Well, it's nothing really."
"No, please tell me! It's really bothering me if something is a problem between us!" she says.
He pauses. "Okay. Fold up all your hair underneath this hat so I can't see any of it." She's puzzled, but complies.
"Now wear this shapeless cloth so I can't tell you're a woman." She's really puzzled now, but whatever.
"Now turn around and start walking down the beach away from me!"
Sobbing, she starts that lonely walk. Thinking about how she had wanted to introduce him to the world as the man who'd saved her, instead of just another Hollywood fake. And what went wrong???
Suddenly she hears footsteps pounding up behind her. He grabs her, whirls her around, and says "DUDE! You wouldn't BELIEVE who I've been schtupping the past six months!"
Before long he finds a woman. Not just any woman, it's (insert your favorite famous beauty queen here - Angelina Jolie will do here). For real. She barely made it but it looks like it's just the two of them for awhile.
The man immediately gets to work building shelter, hunting and fishing, doing whatever it takes to survive. At first she gives him the cold shoulder since he's a peon and she's a famous celebrity. But as the months go by and it's still just the two of them, one stormy night when they're both cowering in a cozy but sturdy shelter they fall for each other anyway.
Six months go by, and they've been doing the deed nearly every day.
Then the day finally comes. She notices something is wrong and asks him about it. He says "Well, it's nothing really."
"No, please tell me! It's really bothering me if something is a problem between us!" she says.
He pauses. "Okay. Fold up all your hair underneath this hat so I can't see any of it." She's puzzled, but complies.
"Now wear this shapeless cloth so I can't tell you're a woman." She's really puzzled now, but whatever.
"Now turn around and start walking down the beach away from me!"
Sobbing, she starts that lonely walk. Thinking about how she had wanted to introduce him to the world as the man who'd saved her, instead of just another Hollywood fake. And what went wrong???
Suddenly she hears footsteps pounding up behind her. He grabs her, whirls her around, and says "DUDE! You wouldn't BELIEVE who I've been schtupping the past six months!"
Posted on 1/22/19 at 7:37 pm to foshizzle
Little boy blew.
OH
HE NEEDED DA MONEY
OH
HE NEEDED DA MONEY
Posted on 1/22/19 at 7:58 pm to beerJeep
A guy walks into a bar. He sits down, and pulls out a little miniature stool and sets it on the bar.
Then he reaches into his other pocket, and pulls out a little miniature piano, and sets it by the stool.
The bartender, polishing a glass, takes notice and walks closer.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny little man in a tuxedo, and sets him down on the stool. The tiny man proceeds to play the tiny piano with virtuoso, a medley that goes from Chopin to Beethoven.
The bartender is speechless, already dropped his glass to the floor, shattering.
"Where did you get this? What is going on?" the bartender asked.
"See," the man says "I got this lamp. You rub it three good times, a genie appears, and grants you a wish. Would you like to try?"
The bartender accepts the offer.
The man pulls out the golden lamp and passes it into the trembling hands of the bartender.
"Rub it three times, and make a wish"
The bartender rubs it three times, and says "I want a million bucks"
A HUGE cloud of smoke envelopes the bar, and sudden chaos breaks loose. There are a hundred ducks in the bar going crazy, flying around wqith feathers everywhere, knocking shite over, shitting all over the place, quack quack quacking, tearing shite up.
The bartender exclaims "I said a million bucks! Not a million ducks!"
The man says "You think I wished for a ten inch pianist?
Then he reaches into his other pocket, and pulls out a little miniature piano, and sets it by the stool.
The bartender, polishing a glass, takes notice and walks closer.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny little man in a tuxedo, and sets him down on the stool. The tiny man proceeds to play the tiny piano with virtuoso, a medley that goes from Chopin to Beethoven.
The bartender is speechless, already dropped his glass to the floor, shattering.
"Where did you get this? What is going on?" the bartender asked.
"See," the man says "I got this lamp. You rub it three good times, a genie appears, and grants you a wish. Would you like to try?"
The bartender accepts the offer.
The man pulls out the golden lamp and passes it into the trembling hands of the bartender.
"Rub it three times, and make a wish"
The bartender rubs it three times, and says "I want a million bucks"
A HUGE cloud of smoke envelopes the bar, and sudden chaos breaks loose. There are a hundred ducks in the bar going crazy, flying around wqith feathers everywhere, knocking shite over, shitting all over the place, quack quack quacking, tearing shite up.
The bartender exclaims "I said a million bucks! Not a million ducks!"
The man says "You think I wished for a ten inch pianist?
Posted on 1/22/19 at 8:20 pm to deeprig9
Did you know a koala bear isn’t a real bear? It doesn’t have the koalafications.
Posted on 1/22/19 at 8:26 pm to X123F45
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and burning to death like the passengers in his car.
Posted on 1/22/19 at 8:33 pm to X123F45
Rando visits the doctor with a frog on his forehead...
Frog says "Hey Doc, can you cut this wart off my arse?"
Frog says "Hey Doc, can you cut this wart off my arse?"
Posted on 1/22/19 at 8:37 pm to GoT1de
A wife returns from the salon, "Honey, I took your advice, what do you think of my new hair color?"
Husband: I think you misunderstood what I meant when I said "it's time to diet".
Husband: I think you misunderstood what I meant when I said "it's time to diet".
Posted on 1/22/19 at 10:14 pm to X123F45
When I was a boy I was kidnapped. They sent a piece of my finger to my father.
He said he wanted more proof.
He said he wanted more proof.
Posted on 1/22/19 at 10:16 pm to Kujo
Had a dream last that I was a muffler. Woke up this morning exhausted
Posted on 1/22/19 at 11:26 pm to X123F45
I’ve got a couple of history jokes.
How’d Emperor Constantine divide the Roman Empire in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
How’d Emperor Constantine divide the Roman Empire in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Posted on 1/22/19 at 11:27 pm to montjrtiger
Where does the Russian royal family get their coffee?
Tsarbucks.
Tsarbucks.
Posted on 1/22/19 at 11:52 pm to X123F45
A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.
The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"
The man replies, " like a glove."
The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"
The man replies, " like a glove."
Posted on 1/23/19 at 12:04 am to alajones
quote:
Where does the Russian royal family get their coffee?
Tsarbucks.
Is this thing on?
Posted on 1/23/19 at 12:09 am to X123F45
Saw this somewhere on TD. Cant remember where.
Whats it taste like to go down on an 80 year old woman? Depends
Whats it taste like to go down on an 80 year old woman? Depends
Posted on 1/23/19 at 12:10 am to PaperTiger
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip
Keep the tip
Posted on 1/23/19 at 1:17 am to wickedretro
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
A stick.
Posted on 1/23/19 at 5:56 am to X123F45
What do you call a woman with no nipples?
Pointless
Pointless
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