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Started By
Message
Little Johnny Jokes...............
Posted on 2/23/08 at 8:13 pm
Posted on 2/23/08 at 8:13 pm
Post your favorite ones here!
Here goes mine:
So the teacher of a first grade class decided to try a spelling/vocabulary exercise with the youngsters, she was gonna follow the alphabet and call out a letter and she wanted the students to say a word that began with that letter.
she starts off with the letter A.
Little Johnny is the first one to raise his hand and she can not call on him because she knows Johnny has the foulest mouth in the class room and he is gonna say a curse word. She ends up calling on Susy and she says "Apple".
The teacher then calls the letter B and of course Johnny is the first one raising his hand again(too easy, he has to be thinking of another curse word) so she calls on little Chris and he says "Ball"....This goes on for the next several letters, Johnny is always the first to raise his hand but she keeps ignoring him, until she gets to the letter R. She then says R and Johnny is the first to raise his hand again. She thinks to herself for a few seconds, "There isn't a cuss word known to man that starts with the letter R." so she says "OK Johnny, give me a word that starts with the letter R!"
Johnny says: "Rat!, A big fricking Rat. A big fricking Rat with a 15 inch dick!"
Here goes mine:
So the teacher of a first grade class decided to try a spelling/vocabulary exercise with the youngsters, she was gonna follow the alphabet and call out a letter and she wanted the students to say a word that began with that letter.
she starts off with the letter A.
Little Johnny is the first one to raise his hand and she can not call on him because she knows Johnny has the foulest mouth in the class room and he is gonna say a curse word. She ends up calling on Susy and she says "Apple".
The teacher then calls the letter B and of course Johnny is the first one raising his hand again(too easy, he has to be thinking of another curse word) so she calls on little Chris and he says "Ball"....This goes on for the next several letters, Johnny is always the first to raise his hand but she keeps ignoring him, until she gets to the letter R. She then says R and Johnny is the first to raise his hand again. She thinks to herself for a few seconds, "There isn't a cuss word known to man that starts with the letter R." so she says "OK Johnny, give me a word that starts with the letter R!"
Johnny says: "Rat!, A big fricking Rat. A big fricking Rat with a 15 inch dick!"
Posted on 2/23/08 at 8:15 pm to Michael J Cocks
Posted on 2/23/08 at 8:17 pm to Michael J Cocks
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
Posted on 2/23/08 at 8:26 pm to Mister Completely
Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what "shite" meant.
Thinking fast she replied "food on the table".
Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does "son of a bitch" mean.
Again, thinking fast again she says "It's a priest".
Next day he comes home a asks what does "frickin'" mean. She says it means "getting dressed".
That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.
He yells "got it". He opens the door and says "Hey son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs frickin'".
Thinking fast she replied "food on the table".
Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does "son of a bitch" mean.
Again, thinking fast again she says "It's a priest".
Next day he comes home a asks what does "frickin'" mean. She says it means "getting dressed".
That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.
He yells "got it". He opens the door and says "Hey son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs frickin'".
Posted on 2/23/08 at 8:33 pm to gorillaball90
i like the first one bestPosted on 2/23/08 at 8:34 pm to Michael J Cocks
Little Johnny's teacher makes a new policy for the class. She will ask a trivia question on Friday's and whoever gets the question correct gets the following Monday off. The first Friday, she asks the group of second graders, "Who said, 'ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.'" Of course, no one got it and they were all upset.
The next Friday she asks, "who said, 'We have nothing to fear but fear itself'"? Again, being too advanced a question for second graders, no one got it.
Little Johnny gets an idea. Thursday night he steals two golf balls out of his dad's golf bag and spray paints them black. The following day, just before the teacher was ready to ask the impossible question of the week, Little Johnny rolled both golf balls up to the front of the room and they slammed against the wall, startling everyone.
The teacher gets pissed and yells, "Alright, who is the comedian with the two black balls?!"
Little Johnny answers, "Richard Pryor, see you Tuesday!!"
The next Friday she asks, "who said, 'We have nothing to fear but fear itself'"? Again, being too advanced a question for second graders, no one got it.
Little Johnny gets an idea. Thursday night he steals two golf balls out of his dad's golf bag and spray paints them black. The following day, just before the teacher was ready to ask the impossible question of the week, Little Johnny rolled both golf balls up to the front of the room and they slammed against the wall, startling everyone.
The teacher gets pissed and yells, "Alright, who is the comedian with the two black balls?!"
Little Johnny answers, "Richard Pryor, see you Tuesday!!"
This post was edited on 2/23/08 at 8:36 pm
Posted on 2/23/08 at 8:40 pm to bengaltygers
quote:
Little Johnny's teacher makes a new policy for the class. She will ask a trivia question on Friday's and whoever gets the question correct gets the following Monday off. The first Friday, she asks the group of second graders, "Who said, 'ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.'" Of course, no one got it and they were all upset.
The next Friday she asks, "who said, 'We have nothing to fear but fear itself'"? Again, being too advanced a question for second graders, no one got it.
Little Johnny gets an idea. Thursday night he steals two golf balls out of his dad's golf bag and spray paints them black. The following day, just before the teacher was ready to ask the impossible question of the week, Little Johnny rolled both golf balls up to the front of the room and they slammed against the wall, startling everyone.
The teacher gets pissed and yells, "Alright, who is the comedian with the two black balls?!"
Little Johnny answers, "Richard Pryor, see you Tuesday!!"
I've heard 30 million different variations of this joke and still never gets old!
Posted on 2/23/08 at 8:41 pm to biloxibengal
quote:
i like the first one best
I know, it's my favorite of all time, just because it's a testament to how fricking clever little Johnny really is!
Posted on 2/23/08 at 8:45 pm to Michael J Cocks
Little Johnny said Spaz
Mom said what is spaz
Little Johnny said no one knows
Mom said what is spaz
Little Johnny said no one knows
Posted on 2/23/08 at 8:46 pm to Kige Ramsey
quote:
Little Johnny said Spaz
Mom said what is spaz
Little Johnny said no one knows
fricking brilliant Kiger!
Posted on 2/23/08 at 8:58 pm to Michael J Cocks
Little Johnny had a cursing problem and his father was getting tired of it.
He decided to ask his shrink what to do.
The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cursed he should leave a pile of dog shite in place of the gift.
Two days before Christmas Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fricking there beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning.
Then when I go downstairs I want to see a frickin train going around the shitty tree, and when I go outside I want to see a frickin' bike leaning up against the goddammned garage!"
Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shite.
Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shite around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shite by the garage.
When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his Dad smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied, "I think I got a frickin dog but I can't find the motherfricker."
He decided to ask his shrink what to do.
The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cursed he should leave a pile of dog shite in place of the gift.
Two days before Christmas Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fricking there beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning.
Then when I go downstairs I want to see a frickin train going around the shitty tree, and when I go outside I want to see a frickin' bike leaning up against the goddammned garage!"
Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shite.
Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shite around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shite by the garage.
When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his Dad smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied, "I think I got a frickin dog but I can't find the motherfricker."
Posted on 2/23/08 at 9:04 pm to PrattLSU
Little Johnny was on the computer one night
He sees somthing that catches his attenion
So he goes running to his dad and says
"Daddy I saw somthing on the internet"
his Dad says "what did you see"
Little Johnny says I saw Uranus
He sees somthing that catches his attenion
So he goes running to his dad and says
"Daddy I saw somthing on the internet"
his Dad says "what did you see"
Little Johnny says I saw Uranus
Posted on 2/23/08 at 9:05 pm to PrattLSU
quote:
PrattLSU
Man, that was one of my favorites and I couldn't remember it.Posted on 2/23/08 at 9:06 pm to Kige Ramsey
quote:
Little Johnny Jokes...............
Little Johnny was on the computer one night
He sees somthing that catches his attenion
So he goes running to his dad and says
"Daddy I saw somthing on the internet"
his Dad says "what did you see"
Little Johnny says I saw Uranus
:rimshot:
Posted on 2/23/08 at 9:11 pm to Michael J Cocks
Little Johnny's mom is having an affair. One afternoon, Johnny's dad comes home early, so the boyfriend jumps in the closet. Unbeknown to him, Johnny had been hiding in the closet watching all the action. After a few minutes, Johnny says "It sure is dark in here, ain't it?"
The guy says, "Listen here kid, I'll give you $100 if you don't ever tell anyone about this," and hands him a $100 bill.
Little Johnny gets his mom to take him to the store, and he pulls out the $100 to buy something, and she demands to know where he got it, but he won't tell her. Mom figures that he must have stolen the money somewhere, so she hauls him down to the corner church and makes him go to confession.
Mom shoves Johnny into the confessional booth, and the first words out of his mouth were, "It sure is dark in here..." The voice from the other side of the divider says "OK kid, don't be starting that 'sure is dark in here' shite with me again!"
The guy says, "Listen here kid, I'll give you $100 if you don't ever tell anyone about this," and hands him a $100 bill.
Little Johnny gets his mom to take him to the store, and he pulls out the $100 to buy something, and she demands to know where he got it, but he won't tell her. Mom figures that he must have stolen the money somewhere, so she hauls him down to the corner church and makes him go to confession.
Mom shoves Johnny into the confessional booth, and the first words out of his mouth were, "It sure is dark in here..." The voice from the other side of the divider says "OK kid, don't be starting that 'sure is dark in here' shite with me again!"
Posted on 2/23/08 at 9:23 pm to Michael J Cocks
Little Johnny wakes up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water and passes by his parents open bedroom door and sees his dad with his mom bent over on the bed fricking her. His dad looks at him and smiles and gives him a thumbs up.
Johnny then goes on to bed.
A couple days later Johnny's dad comes home from work and finds Johnny with his grandma bent over giving it to her. Johnny's dad yells out "Johnny what the hell are you doing?!?!" Johnny replies, "It isn't so funny when it's your mom is it??"
Johnny then goes on to bed.
A couple days later Johnny's dad comes home from work and finds Johnny with his grandma bent over giving it to her. Johnny's dad yells out "Johnny what the hell are you doing?!?!" Johnny replies, "It isn't so funny when it's your mom is it??"
Posted on 2/23/08 at 10:17 pm to Michael J Cocks
Teacher told the students to use the word definitely in a sentence correctly.
Little Johnny just sat in the back of the classroom just minding his own business.
Susie raises her hand and says, "the sky is definitely blue.
Teacher responds, "That's not correct because the statement is false. The sky only appears to be blue."
Bobby jr raises his hand and says, "Grass is definitely always green."
Teacher responds again and says, "That too isn't true. The grass dies in the winter and turns brown.
To the teacher's surprise, little Johnny raises his hand and the teacher ask him to proceed.
Little Johnny asks, "When you poot, are you suppose to feel anything running down your leg?"
Teacher responds, "Well no Johnny, why?"
Little Johnny replies, "Well then I definitely just shite on myself."
Little Johnny just sat in the back of the classroom just minding his own business.
Susie raises her hand and says, "the sky is definitely blue.
Teacher responds, "That's not correct because the statement is false. The sky only appears to be blue."
Bobby jr raises his hand and says, "Grass is definitely always green."
Teacher responds again and says, "That too isn't true. The grass dies in the winter and turns brown.
To the teacher's surprise, little Johnny raises his hand and the teacher ask him to proceed.
Little Johnny asks, "When you poot, are you suppose to feel anything running down your leg?"
Teacher responds, "Well no Johnny, why?"
Little Johnny replies, "Well then I definitely just shite on myself."
Posted on 2/23/08 at 10:27 pm to Michael J Cocks
The teacher aske her 3rd grade students to give and example of the use the word "beautiful" twice in a sentence.
Little Freddy said, "Teacher, you look beautiful today in your beautiful dress.
Little Annie said, "My beautiful mother has a beautiful garden."
Little Johnny was sitting in the back of the room looking out the window and not paying any attention. The teacher was angry at his inattention and demanded that Little Johnny use the word beautiful twice in a sentence.
Little Johnny said, "Last night at dinner my sister told us that she was pregnant. My father said, beautiful, just fricking beautiful."
Little Freddy said, "Teacher, you look beautiful today in your beautiful dress.
Little Annie said, "My beautiful mother has a beautiful garden."
Little Johnny was sitting in the back of the room looking out the window and not paying any attention. The teacher was angry at his inattention and demanded that Little Johnny use the word beautiful twice in a sentence.
Little Johnny said, "Last night at dinner my sister told us that she was pregnant. My father said, beautiful, just fricking beautiful."
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