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re: What's your favorite Mitch Hedberg joke?
Posted on 3/27/24 at 2:27 pm to BregmansWheelbarrow
Posted on 3/27/24 at 2:27 pm to BregmansWheelbarrow
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
1
Posted on 3/27/24 at 2:44 pm to titmouse
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.
Posted on 3/27/24 at 2:45 pm to concrete_tiger
Dogs are always in the push-up position.
Posted on 3/27/24 at 2:48 pm to Circle K Beggar
Posted on 3/27/24 at 2:53 pm to concrete_tiger
"The other day I saw a wino eating grapes. I said to him, "Dude, you've gotta wait."
"Escalator Temporarily Stairs"
"Escalator Temporarily Stairs"
Posted on 3/27/24 at 2:58 pm to CocomoLSU
quote:
As beloved as Mitch was/is, I still think he was pretty underrated. Most of his comedy was so fricking simple yet so hilarious.
Comedians will always rate him near the top because that is just such a difficult style. You let the greats working today go on stage with a set of one-liners and they'd be booed off of that stage.
That's why when people shite on William Montgomery by saying he shouldn't even be on stage and all this I just say......go up there and try to do what he does. Most of them can't.
This post was edited on 3/27/24 at 2:59 pm
Posted on 3/27/24 at 3:01 pm to LegendInMyMind
My fake plant died because I forgot to pretend to water it.
I have an oscillating fan at my house. It goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "no." So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say "no" to! Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? LIAR! My fan lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you're not saying ANYTHING!
From that 70's show:
I did not lose a leg in Vietnam so I could serve hot dogs to teenagers.
You have both of your legs
Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam.
I have an oscillating fan at my house. It goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "no." So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say "no" to! Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? LIAR! My fan lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you're not saying ANYTHING!
From that 70's show:
I did not lose a leg in Vietnam so I could serve hot dogs to teenagers.
You have both of your legs
Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam.
Posted on 3/27/24 at 3:03 pm to Korkstand
quote:
I don't think anyone else could pull off most of his jokes, his delivery did most of the work.
Dude was a master of timing.
Posted on 3/27/24 at 3:05 pm to Cdawg
“My hotel doesn't have a 13th Floor because of superstition, but c'mon man... People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you're really on.
"What room are you in?"
"1401".
"No, you're not. Jump out of window, you'll die earlier!"”
"What room are you in?"
"1401".
"No, you're not. Jump out of window, you'll die earlier!"”
Posted on 3/27/24 at 3:22 pm to concrete_tiger
It's hard to pick one. Here are a few in addition to ones I saw in the thread.
and
and
and
and
Posted on 3/27/24 at 3:26 pm to GoCrazyAuburn
I always loved the end of the club sandwich joke.
"Well I like my sandwich with alfa alfa sprouts" Well you can't be in the fricking club.
"Well I like my sandwich with alfa alfa sprouts" Well you can't be in the fricking club.
Posted on 3/27/24 at 3:27 pm to concrete_tiger
My sig quote 
ETA: Also love the whole rap on bread and ducks.
"I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread."
"If I worked at a store and a duck came in I would like just give him some bread— "sure man no problem— tell your friends"—- but I would not give him Pepperidge Farm bread.... You know that stuff right? you open it and it still ain't open. That is why I do not buy it. Cause I do not need another step between me and toast."
"Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some speical rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care, it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it's free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It's like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don't worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck."
ETA: Also love the whole rap on bread and ducks.
"I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread."
"If I worked at a store and a duck came in I would like just give him some bread— "sure man no problem— tell your friends"—- but I would not give him Pepperidge Farm bread.... You know that stuff right? you open it and it still ain't open. That is why I do not buy it. Cause I do not need another step between me and toast."
"Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some speical rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care, it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it's free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It's like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don't worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck."
This post was edited on 3/27/24 at 3:32 pm
Posted on 3/27/24 at 3:28 pm to RileyTime
quote:
No, you're not. Jump out of window, you'll die earlier!
But so should the letter "B", it's just a squished together 13.
What's your name?
BOB
Get the frick away!
Posted on 3/27/24 at 3:33 pm to Question
“I think a rotisserie is a REALLY morbid Ferris wheel for chickens…”
Posted on 3/27/24 at 3:33 pm to concrete_tiger
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
Posted on 3/27/24 at 3:37 pm to concrete_tiger
The AIDS one had me rolling.
"I get the roundabout AIDS test. I call up my friend Brian and say "Brian, do you know anyone that has AIDS?" "No" "Cool, cause you know me."
"I get the roundabout AIDS test. I call up my friend Brian and say "Brian, do you know anyone that has AIDS?" "No" "Cool, cause you know me."
Posted on 3/27/24 at 3:52 pm to Question
quote:
"Well I like my sandwich with alfa alfa sprouts" Well you can't be in the fricking club.
Posted on 3/27/24 at 3:54 pm to concrete_tiger
quote:
So it said 'You can have this product for four easy payments of 19.95.'
I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments, and one frickin' complicated payment!
'We ain't gonna tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination; good luck, fricker! The last payment must be made in wampum!
Posted on 3/27/24 at 3:55 pm to LegendInMyMind
“When someone hands me a flyer it’s like, ‘Here, you throw this away.’"
Posted on 3/27/24 at 3:56 pm to concrete_tiger
“I rent a lot of cars. When I drive a rental car, I don’t know what’s going on with it, right? So a lot of times, I drive for 10 miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn’t say a lot for me, but it really doesn’t say a lot for the emergency brake. It’s not really an emergency brake, it’s an emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever.”
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