Stoneman Willie: His Life, His Death, His Mummification

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Stoneman Willie was laid to rest yesterday, nearly 128 years after his mortal life ended. His real name, revealed at the time of his interment, was James Murphy.

James Murphy died from kidney failure on November 19, 1895 at Berks County Prison on petty theft charges. All that was known about him at the time was that he was a drunk of Irish descent. When arrested he gave his name as James Penn. As his horrifically painful demise approached, Murphy revealed to the prison doctor that his name was not actually James Penn, but that he had assumed the pseudonym to spare his brother's and sister's reputation. He refused to reveal his true identity before his passing.

Not knowing who to contact, the funeral home ended up with the body and was given permission to try an experimental embalming process. It resulted in Murphy's body becoming mummified. The funeral home has kept it for research and display for well over a century, a time in which his corpse became a local attraction. His burial yesterday was with highest honors and much adulation.

But this is all context. The alarming story behind the story is this:

James Murphy's life did not go as planned. It ended with him writhing on a filthy prison floor from alcohol withdrawal. Not that he should have been surprised by this ignominious outcome, given all the things that must have gone wrong for him before.

There's a time in every person's life when they have hope despite their circumstances. For most it is when they are young, maybe 8 or 10 years old, when they dare to dream of their heart’s desire. For some, it may not last very long. For others, they maintain this outlook for a lifetime. At some point in his life James Murphy undoubtedly imagined a hopeful future for himself - one that likely didn't involve becoming an alcoholic and dying in prison on petty theft charges (probably for stealing liquor).

In those last moments of his life he must have thought, "What the frick was that? What kind of life did God dole out for me? It was a waste of time for everybody involved! Why the hell was I put here?" Then he died, alone, unloved, unmourned.

Afterwards, something amazing happened to this miserable wretch whose life seemed so pointless: his gin-soaked body was mummified, and he was transformed into Stoneman Willie. Over time he became a celebrity of sorts. And yesterday they buried his body with honor and gratitude and respect for providing such entertainment and novelty to the community.

James Murphy's mummified corpse had an exceedingly better life than James Murphy, the living person. That is cosmic irony on an epic scale.

I would like to go back in time, before James Murphy's life went irrevocably wrong, when he still had hope. I would show him the picture of Stoneman Willie and tell him, "Don't be that guy". I would help him think about other paths, far from anything that would lead to that outcome.

He might ask me, "But what if I have hard, miserable, unhappy life anyway and just die of old age? Then I don't get mummified. I don’t contribute anything at all. What are the chances of that happening?"

I would have to be honest. I would tell him that, unfortunately, the odds are pretty high that you will have a hard, miserable, unhappy life; after all, most people do. But, there's still a chance worth fighting for that you won't. To win this game you have to fight every moment, and never, ever give up.

He would undoubtedly thank me for my insight, and I would leave.

And I would think to myself, "There's still about an 80% chance that dumb sonofabitch ends up a mummy."

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