California Mandates Homeowners Install Wheelchair Ramps On Porches For Disabled Burglars

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SACRAMENTO, CA — In a landmark initiative praised by advocates as a sign of tremendous progress for the handicapped community, the state of California mandated that homeowners install wheelchair ramps on all porches for disabled burglars.

Officials said it wasn't right for handicapped criminals to be denied access to a majority of homes throughout the state, making it a priority to make sure disabled burglars would be able to get into every house.

"Who are we to deny an intruder access based on their disability?" asked Governor Gavin Newsom at a press conference announcing the mandate. "The days of ableist homeowners discriminating against the handicapped burglars of our society are over. California will be a land of opportunity — for all criminals."

The mandate, expected to be quickly codified into state law by the California legislature, will order all homeowners and landlords throughout the state to install porch ramps by the end of the year. "By the time 2026 rolls around, all homes will be accessible to the burglars who need it most."

Sources said the Governor's Office had set an internal goal of making California more appealing for disabled crime to attract physically and mentally handicapped burglars to relocate to the state. "We're focused on growing California," one insider said. "Wheelchair-bound burglars can feel confident that they will have a bright future here."

At publishing time, Newsom's staff had reportedly begun work on an additional plan to require homeowners to post maps of their homes at the entrance so intruders could navigate their way to any valuables more easily.

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